Where were my earplugs when I needed them today?
When someone that I love spoke words that I will never be able to remove from the inner workings of my mind. We all know that the truth hurts, but does it have to hurt this bad?
I wish that I could scratch the words from my mind, since I've learned far too often that things burried always have a way of resurfacing when you least expect them to. No, I need these thoughts to be gone forever, or else they'll get the best of me.
I'm struggling here, trying to make sense of what I'm feeling. I mean, it's not like the words came as a surprise to me...it's not like I wasn't already aware of the health situation I've gotten myself into...but hearing it out loud from someone else is never easy.
I can handle, "you need to lose weight."
I can handle, "I haven't said anything, but I'm worried about your health."
But, I can't handle, "I know that you've gotten so big that you'll never be what you were, but I think you should at least try."
In my dreams I imagine myself as I was, before I gained the weight. She is everything I hope to be again someday because I feel like I lost her. I feel like I don't recognize this person that stares back at me in the mirror.
Is it true?
Have I really taken myself so far down this path that I will never see her again? Is there no possible way to bring her back into my life? Is she gone forever, and if she is, can I live without her?
When I started this journey the thought had never entered my mind that I may never become the person that I once was. I may never wear my skinny jeans again, I may never feel sexy in high-heels or a swim suit, and I may never again stare at my reflection with complete pride.
These are all possible outcomes, and I'm having the most difficult time accepting them. To even think about them makes me second-guess myself. It makes me wonder if it's even worth it to try to become healthier. What's the point if I can't have what I truly want?
I wish that I had never heard those words spoken.
How do I erase them? How do I keep going now that I have self-doubt?
It's already been a rocky start for me too. In fact, the truth is that in the time since I've started this "lifestyle change" I haven't changed one thing. I failed miserably with my first Hello, Goodbye Challenge, I still eat crappy food, and I still find every excuse in the book not to exercise.
Maybe he/she is right. Maybe this ship has already sunk.
Maybe instead of a rescue mission, all that can be done is a treasure hunt at the bottom of the ocean...searching for pieces of value worth holding onto after all is said and done.