Nope, I'm not talking about the boy band.
Don't get me wrong, back in the 8th grade I would have tattooed Justin Timberlake's name on my forehead because of my love for boy bands, but those days are gone. Today the new direction I am talking about is a bit more serious.
Last week I took some time to think about what it is I truly want, and during that process I learned something about myself that I hadn't before realized. I have always known that I'm the type of person who wants to be successful at everything I do. I hate failure, and I don't deal well with defeat. But, one thing I had never realized about myself is that I am actually very afraid of success. Something about the thought of accomplishing what I set out to accomplish feels very overwhelming, and because of that I think I sabotage my opportunities for becoming successful.
Take this blog for example.
I would love for nothing more than to be blogging as a full-time gig. To me, that would be an indicator of success. But, I'm also terrified of the idea of being home all day, left to my own thoughts and not having many opportunities to communicate with peers, coworkers, and colleagues.
Sure, the thought of working for myself, as my own boss sounds very appealing, but what happens when I fall off the wagon? Who will be there to hold me accountable? Who will be there to monitor the quality of my work and my level of productivity?
What if I were to fail?
Right now I am comfortable with the thought of having an excuse to fall back on. Perhaps too comfortable for my own good.
It makes me feel less terrible when I totally suck at being a dependable blogger because I know that I can use the "full-time job" excuse whenever I feel overwhelmed by it all. But thinking that way also makes me wonder if I maybe rushed into this.
It's true. I didn't give it a lot of thought when I started this blog. I just knew that I wanted it, and I went for it. Some might call that a strength, others might call it a weakness--as for me, I think it's both.
Trust me, I have no regrets about starting this blog and documenting my adventures over the past few years...and trust me, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not writing this post to tell you goodbye, or anything crazy like that.
No, I'm writing this post to tell you about the new direction I will be heading in.
As I thought about everything last week I started to feel like I was running out of time. I realized that in a year-and-a-half I will turn 30...and I realized that everything I have told myself I'd "start tomorrow" has been put on the back-burner for far too long.
One thing in particular...getting healthy.
Remember how I told you about my fear of success? Well, year-after-year I've found every excuse in the book to focus on everything else but my health. I was too busy with life to care about small things like exercise, eating healthy, and proper rest.
I wasted nearly all of my 20's being out of shape...and honestly, it never truly bothered me until now. I was too busy to care, and I was too optimistic that I would start caring "tomorrow."
But now, I realize that I'm running out of time. Nothing will ever change, unless I change it.
I don't want to turn 30 and feel like I missed an opportunity to enjoy more of life because I was pre consumed by trivial things. (Not to say that this blog is trivial...but compared to living a long-healthy life, you get the idea).
Where did this spark of insight come from? Well, TV of course!
Last week I started watching the show, "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition." I had never seen the show before. In fact, I always had assumed it would just be a show that was offensive and made people feel bad about how they looked.
I was wrong.
In the three episodes I watched I felt inspired by the stories of the individuals who were challenging themselves to live a healthier lifestyle. In some cases, these individuals were even facing a life expectancy of only 10 more years if they didn't make a huge change.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to be told that I only had 10 more years to live if I didn't get healthy. It's not long enough. I can't even fathom it.
I related so much to the challenges and heart-break these individuals faced because of their torn self-esteem, and I admired the trainer in the show who encouraged them every step of the way, helped them to understand their emotional ties to unhealthy habits, and wouldn't allow them to give up on themselves.
I know it sounds silly, but I almost feel like it was a sign. Watching these people face their largest obstacle in life made me feel like I could no longer make excuses for myself. Watching them run on a treadmill, up-and-down bleachers, and hike steep trails made me realize that I can never justify not taking the stairs to my third-floor office ever again.
A few weeks ago you might have noticed a new link appear on my site's top navigation bar...
It's something I debated for a while. I've wanted to start my journey to a healthier lifestyle for quite some time, but that whole "I'll start tomorrow" thing got the best of me. I knew that once I started writing about it, that was it--I'd have to be accountable, and that's a scary thing for me.
Originally, my thought process behind this page of my blog would be that it would serve as additional content for anyone who was interested in following along. I pictured it as the blog that I would post to every now-and-then, pretty much the side-act of AHPCH. But now, my view of this page has changed because I realize my happiness will be short-lived if I don't make this a priority in my life.
Does this mean that I won't be posting about crafty projects I'm working on? No. In fact, I am hoping that eventually it has a positive effect on the AHPCH blog. It may take a while to get there, but I know that the better I feel the better I'll blog (because I'll finally have the energy I need to do it).
So, if you don't see an update on the home page, try stopping by my new blog, PS I Love You (Project Self I Love You). There you can follow me on my path to self-improvement, but more importantly, to self-acceptance.
This blog will be much different from what you see here on AHPCH. Here you see my confident side, but on PS I Love You you'll be introduced to my vulnerable side. The side of me that holds me back, and that makes me afraid of success.
I'm hoping this can be a forum where you feel comfortable sharing any challenges you face regarding your self-image, because I believe if we encourage one another we can learn to love ourselves more. Please check in often and hold me accountable (you know I'll need it!).
Here are my first two posts to get you started: